FFX Gone Terribly Wrong
by Rikkumorningstar
Summary: Auron loses Tidus's sword and suddenly hysteria ensues - Phobia of all things with wings, grenade chucking butterflies, Jedai moths, characters randomly turning into random things, sudden urge to kill any thing that says moo or banana - and so much more
1. Chapter 1 The Missing Sword

Auron was preparing Tidus for his very first battle against the Sinspawn that had just appeared before them

**Chapter 1**

**The Missing Sword**

Auron was preparing Tidus for his very first battle against the Sinspawn that had just appeared before them. He unsheathed his katana and said, "Only attack the ones that matter. Ignore the rest and…" he trailed off when he saw Tidus giving him an aren't-you-forgetting-something-you-idiot look.

"Well," said Tidus when Auron didn't answer his facial expression.

Auron blinked shook his head and then with a smile he said, "Right! Your weapon…which I have right-" He looked down at his right hand and saw that the sword he was _supposed _ to give Tidus was not there. He quickly looked to his left and then to his right. He looked above him and under a small rock behind him. He suddenly shrieked like a young girl a few times then went into fearful shock and was unable to move for a total of five hours.

Tidus, however did not notice this since he had been easily distracted by the five butterflies that flew past his face two seconds after he had said well. "Follow the butterflies! Follow the Butterflies! La la la la la la!" said Tidus in a gay voice as he danced ballerina-like after the now disturbed butterflies. In fact, they were so frightened by his strange behavior that they started pelting small grenades at Tidus which ended up making him cry as he was knocked off his feet and onto his butt. And this is how Tidus had become phobic of all things with wings. The butterflies cheered and then flew away.

The five hours were up and Tidus was easily distracted out of his crying by Auron moving again. Tidus jumped back to his feet, charged at Auron and tackled him. Auron, however, was a bit disoriented from being immobile for five hours and was not prepared for a full-Tidus-body-slam. He was knocked off his feet and was feeling very uneasy now that Tidus was sitting on top of him and giggling.

Meanwhile-most of the Sinspawn had fallen asleep or died from boredom and some had actually laughed so hard at Auron's shrieking and Tidus's ballerina act that they had laughed themselves into comas.

However, this did not seem important to Tidus and Auron was too scared at the moment to notice since Tidus only cared about getting his sword right then which he, Auron, could not find.

"Well, Auron," said Tidus, looking at him with real fire in his eyes, "Did you find my sword yet?" He got off of Auron and rose back to his feet and waited.

Auron also rose back to _his_ feet and wiped the dust and dirt off his billowing red cloak. Before answering, he considered knocking himself unconscious; but he quickly decided against it since he feared that Tidus would steal his sake-filled gourd and do away with his hero, Super Chicken a.k.a. Cluck the Mighty. He shook his head and thought, _No! That must never happen!_ So he simply replied, "Oh my God! Look," he pointed behind Tidus, "The butterflies are back!"

Without even bothering to check if Auron was lying, Tidus shrieked and somehow managed to ram his head into the ground like an ostrich does in the sand. After about four seconds, Tidus had a feeling that the vengeful butterflies had not in fact been behind him and that he had put a hole in a poorly made street with his perfectly perfect head. But when he tried to pull out he found that he was stuck. He scrunched his eyes shut and pulled as hard as he could until he thought his neck would break, but his head still did not budge. He slouched his shoulders and left his eyes closed.

Auron folded his arms looking quite pleased with himself. In fact he even did a little dance and sang a little song before he went back to his desperate search for that blasted sword.

Unfortunately, he didn't have time to actually start his search, since at that very moment Tidus opened his eyes and saw a large group of moths flying towards him and he could swear they were all carrying tiny lightsabers. Tidus immediately started shrieking hysterically.

Of course, the only thing Auron heard was the loud fart that was released from Tidus from his efforts to wrench his head out of the ground. The stench of the fart was so horrible that Auron ended up being knocked out after all…but only for a few minutes.

When Auron finally came to, he saw that Tidus was running around and flailing his arms like a madman, trying to escape the wrath of the angry mob of moths that did in fact have tiny lightsabers.

"A sword would be great right about now," shouted Tidus, frantically as Auron slowly rose to his feet.

Auron quickly looked for a place to hide but decided that he really should tell Tidus the truth about the sword. So he took a deep breath and said loudly, "I don't have it!"

Tidus turned around and charged back toward Auron, who started shrieking again, and then launched his attack. "Then I'll just take yours," growled Tidus as he leapt onto Auron and tried to wrench the sword from his hands.

Suddenly, Jerry Springer appeared and started to float around them as Tidus and Auron started beating the crap out of each other. The audience behind Jerry started chanting, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

One of the audience members looked up and shrieked, "AHHHHH! It's Sin!" He raised his gun and aimed it at Sin.

(a/n like that would actually work)

"Wait," said another audience member next to him.

"What," said the armed man impatiently.

"Shouldn't we tell Tidus and Auron that the Sinspawn have awoken and are launching an attack."

He seemed to consider this and even dropped his gun, but then out of thin air he pulled a missal launcher and aimed it at Sin. "Aw, who cares about them! Sin must die," he said, impatient again, and pulled the trigger.

Unfortunately, the launcher was facing the wrong way, so he ended up blowing up the entire audience…and Jerry…and the rest of the Sinspawn…and of course…himself.

Tidus and Auron froze from shock in the most awkward position imaginable. (So awkward that the writer of this story could not think of how to describe it.)

Auron gawked at the mass destruction and pushed Tidus off of him. He stood up and brushed the dirt off of his cloak a second time. "Geez… This is why I have to send you to the future," he grumbled to Tidus. He turned around and looked up at the gigantic water blob that was Sin. He shook his fist at it and shouted, "Damn you, Sin!"

However, Sin just gave him a look that might have said, 'Are you quite finished?' But Auron was far from being finished. He bent down and picked up a pile of rocks and started chucking them at the blob while saying, "You Ass! You donkey-you camel sucking slime spit-"

"Whoa, Auron," said Tidus also standing and brushing the dirt from his clothes, "I think you've said quite enough." When he finished brushing off his pants he noticed something attached to Auron's back. It took him a moment to realize what it was, but he did…eventually. He shrieked in anger and whined, "Auron! You have MY sword attached to your back!!" pauses momentarily "You Jerk," he mumbles.

"WHAT?!" growls Auron. Unable to believe that he would be THAT stupid, he reaches around to his back expecting to find nothing…but to his great horror his fingers wrap around the hilt of something he prays is not a sword and pulls it out of a sheath attached to his back. And to his even greater horror, the sword turns out to be THE sword. He gawks at it in still even greater horror.

"Wha-" he said, his face becoming very white. "Aw, son of a bitch, " he added and then fainted.

Tidus picked up his sword and did a little dance and was very happy. That is…he was happy until the horde of jedai moths came back, causing Tidus to shriek and faint as well.


	2. Chapter 2 The Summoner who spun out of

**Chapter 2**

**The Summoner Who Spun Out of Control**

The sounds of seagulls could be heard above the crash of rushing waves. A young man, named Tidus, was floating face-down in the water. At the moment he was having a dream about colorful butterflies. But the dream quickly became a nightmare when the winged insects pulled out lightsabers that were twice their size! The chase began but was quickly over when a giant broccoli materialized in the sky and shot the Jedi-Butterflies. The Monster Broccoli then sprouted wings and dive-bombed our not so brave-or smart-hero – you know, hero's not quite right either…Tidus is just some random guy who is incidentally the main character of this story gone wrong. The giant vegetable then grabbed Tidus and carried him off into the sky.

He woke up screaming only to discover that the Broccoli had been real and _was_ flying him in circles, and that he had no idea where he was.

_When Auron had finally given him his sword he had grabbed Tidus by his shirt and forced him to do a Tango. And then Barney had shown up and had started pelting them with purple bananas and demanding a hug. Auron had then evaporated and in his place was a small potato and that's when Tidus had gotten a brilliant idea. He ran at Barney with his sword and had shouted, "Hug This!" But just as Tidus swung at the banana flinging purple dinosaur, his sword turned into Cluck The Mighty which then turned into a Jedi Moth – Tidus froze from fear – which then turned into Auron. And since Tidus had flung the sword when it had morphed into a J-Moth, Auron went sailing face-first into the arms of the sadistic dinosaur. And then the water blob had turned itself into a sparkly vortex and had sucked up a hysterically shrieking Auron, who was being crushed by the evil purple dinosaur…and Tidus, who had started twirling around squealing, "Sparkly-sparkly-sparkly!"_

And now, here he was…our not-so-heroic hero…becoming more freaked by the second as the giganto Broccoli flew him around in quick jerky circles.

Just then, Barney flew out of a tree and tried to hug the giant vegetable but the Brock would have none of that and proceeded to shoot at Barney's wings. The now unable-to-fly Dino fell into the calm waters below. Tidus, for a moment, forgot about the giant Broccoli and started to laugh at Barney who discovered he could not swim. But then the giant veg lost its grip on him and dropped him into the Barney-infested waters below. He landed butt-first on Barney's face which caused the Purple Maniac to drown and die…but Tidus had a feeling that this was not the last he would see of the ilswimmerit Dino.

He looked to the shore and saw people playing a game with a Blitzball and wanted very much to play with them. He felt proud that he had learned to swim when he was a child and was about to do so when he suddenly heard a loud buzzing sound. He looked up and shrieked a few times and then did a frantic doggy paddle back to shore. The Monster Broccoli was back and was being tailed by the Jedi-Moths.

A huge wave picked him up and swung him around a few times and flung him across the water-over the crowd of people on the beach, who looked on in envy at the shrieking flying man-through the trees in the forest-into Besaid Village-and just when he thought he would circle the globe before this was over…he George-of-the-Jungled into the Village Temple Wall.

A few hours later he came to on a large comfy bed and he opened his eyes and saw a potato on the pillow next to his face. At first he just stared at it…then poked it and said hesitantly… "Auron? Is that you?"

"Good Morning!" said a voice.

Tidus shrieked and fell off the bed, having thought the Auron-potato was talking to him. But the thing the voice belonged to was much worse than anything he could have imagined. A grown man with orange Alfalpha hair and wearing sparkly pink lipstick charged into the room, tripped over him, shrieked and crashed through the window next to the bed. The man then hobbled back into the temple guest room and said, "Wakka..-my..-is name! It's so..-here be..-great you could…" He then fell over and mumbled something about Sparkly stars in the coffee.

As for Tidus – our not so smart – not so brave – not so heroic hero…he thought this was how the people of this village talked all the time. So when he left the temple, to the first person he saw he said, "Giant Broccoli the seen you have?"

The young leather clad woman blinked a few times and then demanded to see his teeth.

"Show me your teeth, strange talking man!" she said in a dangerous sounding voice and then proceeded to talk in a cheerful uppity voice. "Have you been brushing-do you floss-how about mouthwash-whitener-when was your last checkup?! Hey! Don't you run away form me! I'm very professional!" Lulu, the crazy teeth lady, then proceeded to chase after him.

Tidus ran back into the temple and up some stairs and through a door-despite all the 'Get Back Here's screeched by an old man who could very well be the village cult leader. He shut the door behind him and continued running. Unfortunately, on top of all his other horrible traits, Tidus is a horrible klutz. He managed to not trip over a large melon some moron had left on the floor by jumping over it-but just as he sailed over it, a sign that read DUCK shot out of the wall and he smashed into it and tumbled down three flights of stairs. When he regained his balance, he had to start running again because a Jedi-Fly was buzzing around his head hitting him with a two foot Lightsaber. As he ran down the hall he could have sworn he heard someone else falling down the stairs screaming, "I-want-my-HUUUUG!" and then he heard an explosion and, "Damn you all!" and on top of the heat blast flinging him forward, purple bananas and two purple arms shot past him. The arms tried to wrap themselves around Tidus, but he took out his sword from supposedly nowhere, which then turned to smoke and then into Auron who then grabbed him and dashed through the dimly lit hall and came to a stop on a platform which started to slowly descend to a lower level.

On the way down, tango music started to play through the speakers that were suddenly floating around their heads, and Auron grabbed Tidus-who started shrieking-and started to dance. Tidus frantically tried to escape the terrifying dance of death, but Auron had chained them together…so…he did the only thing he could do…

"Barney! Auron wants a hug!"

A purple mangled mess crashed through the wall of the elevator and quickly took the form of Barney. With a look of pure evil intent the psycho Dino flung himself at Auron but missed and tripped over the chain-broke the chain-crashed through the other wall of the elevator and fell the remaining twenty stories screaming, "I'll get my hug! Just you waaaaaait…"

Then the platform started to rapidly drop as Tidus grabbed onto a very annoyed Auron.

Barney slowly stood and exclaimed, "I'm alive!" and looked up in time to be crushed by the dropping platform.

Tidus and Auron both stepped off the platform. And then, for a reason no one understands, the chicken dance music started playing and Tidus just knew something terrible was about to happen. He looked at Auron who had started pecking at the ground and started ba-goking like some kind of dumb cluck. Tidus didn't know but this was actually Auron's favorite song.

Auron then looked back at him and then lunged at him wildly flapping his arms. Tidus started shrieking as Auron forced him to do the chicken Tango. They crashed through a set of doors that led into a large room. Auron let go of him and Tidus crashed to the ground. Tidus brushed himself off and looked around. He squeaked and just about ran away screaming when he saw who was there.

Lulu, the crazy teeth lady was staring at him as though she was a dog and he was a new chew-toy. And standing next to her and growling was a big tall blue fury creature wearing a frilly pink dress. And standing next to him was the crazy orange-haired Alfalpha pansy man – who at the moment was NOT wearing pink lipstick.

"What the HELL are YOU doing here," snarled Lulu. "You're not a Guardian!!! GET…OUT!!!" She crackled some fire between her hands preparing to attack.

Tidus took a few steps back and said shakily, "I-I-I'm sorry. It's not-I didn't-I wasn't---It's all Auron's fault!! He made me do this crazy chicken dance type Tango and-and-"

He was cut off as Lulu vanished in a puff of smoke and then reappeared next to him and smacked him upside the head.

"Ooowwee!" he cried, rubbing his head.

"There's no one here but you!" said Lulu in a demonic type voice.

"Whaaaaat…?"

He looked to his other side and behind him and saw that Auron was not there. And then he looked down and saw a Zucchini where Auron should have been standing. Tidus scowled at it and then stomped up to the veg and grabbed it.

"I know this is you, Auron!" he shouted at it, "You can't fool me. Now be a man and turn back into-"

But before he could finish, the veg turned into a giant Jedi-Cockroach – and yes, it had wings.

Tidus' eyes greatly widened to a size to big for his head and his face paled.

"Je-je-je-je-je-bu-bu-bu-yi-yi-yi-duuuuh-ooOOOooooOOo…" was all he could sputter before he screeched, ran and slammed into a wall he could have sworn had not been there before.

The roach then seemingly spontaneously combusted and was reduced to a piled of ash. The ash then took the form of Barney who looked around cynically and everyone fainted from fear of being trapped in a Pokéball. Barney laughed maniacally and said, pointing to each fainted person, "I WILL HUG each and every one of you before the end of –"

But before he could finish he too seemingly spontaneously combusted and was reduced to pile of fairy dust which then proceeded to float up the stairs to the chamber of Fayth entrance.

"I have done it… I have become Super Lady Beanbag!!" said a young brunette at the top of the stairs. She wobbled slightly as she stepped toward the stairs. She then proceeded to whirl like Taz down the stairs and through the Fairy Dust and thus began the airborne human cyclone dance.

Everyone woke up screeching-except for Kimahri, who started singing the 'I Feel Pretty' song-as they were all pulled up into the gigantic and very destructive Yuna-Twister. And this is how Tidus and Yuna the Summoner first met. He found her to be quite attractive rotating at 70RPMs.

Suddenly, gusts of windy Tango music started to play and Auron appeared in a misty cloud and lunged at Tidus.

"NO!!" shouted Tidus, enraged, "Not this time…!!! You're not dancing with MMMEEEEE!!!!" He spun and did a perfect round-house kick…but…ended up hitting nothing since Auron had turned back into a big misty poof and was no longer solid or even there for that matter.

Then Yuna started to slow her spinning and everyone went flying off and slammed into opposite sides of the room-except for Tidus who had grabbed onto Yuna who had started to fall while talking quickly in a high-pitched voice about how she had just got done having tea with the Giant talking Mushroom and how it had granted her the ability to summon Valefor the Mighty Pooshta!

Tidus landed gracefully on the floor-Yuna still in his arms and a little swirly-eyed-while the rest of the group was still stuck to the walls in the bug-on-a-windshield position.

Suddenly Barney appeared and said with an evil laugh, "I-WANT-MY-"

SPLAT!!!

A giant two ton mushroom landed on top of him, but Tidus didn't notice since he had already fainted from seeing the psycho dino. And then the Mushroom commenced to dance around singing Scat Man and exited the room.

(a/n I realize that i skipped the part about Tidus meeting Rikku and the Al Bhed and i apologize for that-don't worry...they will make an entrance in the next chappie-but i also brought Auron back in sooner than i should have as well...so really if you think about...if anything should be complained about...it should be that Barney is still alive)

Barney: Don't forget my lack of Hug...T.T

Angry Rikku: I don't think anyone cares, you know.

Barney: *Sob*

Angry Rikku: Quit your wailing!! At least YOU were IN this chapter!!

*glares at writer in a demonic way*


End file.
